My Wildflower, my baby girl is a toddler. I can hardly say it; I am in denial! Let me live in a world of forever babies already!! On top my baby growing up, My Sunshine, my eternal mama’s boy, is walking around telling everyone that he is “almost 5” (if 7 months is considered almost). I feel like I am grasping at time and it is slipping through my fingers at a rapid pace. I’m clenching my fist and like water flowing, there is nothing I can do to stop it. It’s is a strange and helpless feeling trying to hold onto every moment of their lives. It is something I think only a mother understands completely. Because as sad and helpless as you feel, you are also elated. Over the moon to have a healthy child, so in love with the curious and funny little person they are becoming.
My experience with my son entering toddlerhood was entirely different. I was awake for the entire first 2 years of My Sunshine’s life. I mean to tell you, the child NEVER slept. And when he did, I was rocking him, or it was across my face or under my nightgown or face to face with me with both hands clasping my cheeks. This is not over exaggerated co-sleeping I’m talking about. So when he started toddling into toddlerhood, I didn’t feel like I had missed a moment, I hadn’t, I was there for every second… awake. I was the only one he would go to, when I bathed, he stood outside of the tub and leaned over the side to hug my neck while I attempted to shave my legs. So although I was still so so sad, I also never felt like I missed anything. This time around, I understand why everyone talks about how fast times flies. And I am not okay with it.
I never expected to have a little girl, my husband’s family is all boys so I was going to be thrilled with another boy. But from the second I got pregnant, I knew I was carrying a little lady. Unlike my other pregnancies, I was so sick with my daughter. But even when the anatomy scan confirmed what I already knew, I was still a little shocked. I didn’t think having a girl would be so much different than a boy and it is, in the neatest ways. I know part of it is because she is a totally different child but I am also always surprised at her girly tendencies that come so naturally. She is particular about everything, especially her shoes! I never thought I would enjoy buying headwear as much as I do, but bows and headbands are my latest obsession! She did everything so fast and she is so fiercely independent and easy going that I feel like I am missing out. It is so different with baby number two. I never feel like I am giving either one of them the attention they need and I am always missing things. So I am standing with my back against the door of toddlerhood, trying to rock my 14 month old back to being my tiny baby.
But the truth is, time is flying by. The truth is, I am missing things every single day. Because that is life. I cannot be there for every moment. I cannot be everything to everyone. I cannot fight or slow down time, I have to let them go. My job is to work myself out of a job. If I am doing it right, my babies will need me in completely different ways for each stage of life until they can do it on their own. I can only pray that one day I will only be needed because they want me there because I have raised capable humans. Ok fine, I am praying for capable humans who love me dearly, live close by and want to hang out with me all the time. So I guess I will let her go, let her grow. I guess I will embrace this bittersweet adventure motherhood is because the truth is my baby is a toddler.
This gorgeous girl just keeps growing, mothering is so hard.