You lose so much more than a baby when you experience loss. One of the many things you lose is what I call the naive pregnancy. You never have a pregnancy the same again. I knew with my second child we would be crazy, I expected that and we were. The Water Man and I both were completely insane with worry for nearly 10 months. All the usual excitement of a baby was always shadowed in fear. But I thought after my very healthy little Sunshine was born, that perhaps the next pregnancy might be easier to enjoy. I was wrong.
I was 18 weeks into my third pregnancy when we went to the anatomy ultrasound. A tech was to perform the sonogram and we would meet with my ob afterwards. I had felt the baby move early on then for a while there had been nothing. NOTHING. I knew how early it was, I knew the baby could have moved to a position I just couldn’t feel but facts meant nothing to me. My mom surprised us the night before and came up to go to the appointment with us. I almost cancelled. The Water Man found me sick in a crying heap in the bathtub when we were suppose to be leaving. I knew I was having a daughter. I already loved her. I didn’t want to lose her that day.
The sonographer came in and when she slide the wand across my belly, silence. Deafening, familiar silence. As tears rolled down the sides of my face I whispered, “Is there a heartbeat?”. I saw the shock and confusion across her face as she gasped “yes!” and immediately turned up the sound. I started giggling, cry giggling. If you know me, this is a very comical and awkward skill of mine. I looked to my left at The Water Man who was watching me with tears in his eyes and the tech was saying something about her being a girl and my mom was squealing and waves of relief crashed over me, over us. All background noise to that beautiful beating heart I could still hear. .
It would take a minute for my husband to realize the tech had said we were having a girl, get light headed and have to go out for air. We would laugh later with our friend and world’s best obgyn because she won the bet against him that it was a girl. Nana would plan how to paint the world pink and I would giggle cry the rest of the week.
So although I never forget. Although the hole in my heart, in our lives is a constant reminder that 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in a loss, there is still joy. They do not all end in loss. There is still happiness in between the worry. There is still excitement and giggle crying.
These intimate stories of our walk through loss are meant to inspire hope and give support. Thank you for the overwhelming kindness and love.